I’ve kind of always known I can be a bit closed off. For years, however, I’ve been lying to myself about it. I had categorized myself an open book – mainly because I’m always willing to add to a conversation & don’t scare easy about discussing past experiences and my beliefs.
Feelings? Not happy and lovely ones, because I’m a rockstar at sharing those. My pains. My anxieties. Yeah, turns out not those so much.
The fact that if I’m not careful I will easily succumb to the thoughts that I am actually NOT lovable. That no one ACTUALLY likes me or wants me around keeps me locked down and silent in the deep corners of who I am.
Yeah. I’m not sharing those. You think I’m going to give you a chance to prove me right?
Despite sort of knowing this about myself, it took two fairly new friends to drive it home for me. They both expressed a variation of they don’t even truly know if we are friends – or rather that I WANT to be friends with them because I’m only “there” when I’m physically “there”. And I knew exactly what they were saying. It was the start of turning on the light in my soul.
I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that it DID trip me up. You mean I was wanted? I was enough? Wait… you want MORE of me?
This weekend during meditation, a wave of clarity and peace washed over me.
Fear. That’s what’s keeping me from true joy.
Fear. That’s the darkness around me.
I’m terrified of getting close to people. I know how bad it hurts when people walk away. I know how the salt of the situation rubs in my wound of just not being “enough”.
But that fear. That avoidance of possible pain is exactly what’s keeping me from being whole. From what’s missing. From the relationships I am yearning for in my life.
That fear is keeping me from me.
And that’s the key. It’s just me. I am who I am. It’s my duty to share that.
All fear is… well fear can’t win.
Fear isn’t even real.
It’s all made up. I can respect that about fear.
All it takes is seeing something for what it truly is to make peace. I’m a work in progress. A beautiful one.
A beautiful work in progress that is worthy and enough every step of the way on this journey of mine.