You know what I’m really afraid of?
I’m afraid of making it.
In every sense of the phrase.
What if I do all of the work? Make all the mistakes. Take on all the risk. Share all my feelings. Cross all the bridges. Taste the sweetness of accomplishing exactly what I once told myself I could never do.
…Only to find out I don’t belong. Only to find out I don’t actually deserve to live that life. Only to realize success was not meant for me.
I’m terrified of being blissfully, securely happy.
Because at the end of the day, I have not fully dealt with the fact that I’m just not sure yet that I deserve it.
I do all the therapy sessions, I meditate, I work out, I am constantly making myself more aware of my internal dialogue.
What I haven’t done is find closure.
The one-way street kind.
And because of that, I will continue to unravel all the work I put in to move forward.
Without sitting with those feelings that consumed me after my first marriage ended.
The feelings that came after I faced the reality that I couldn’t actually save Solomon from himself.
Without sitting with those feelings that I let my life get in the way, the feelings that kept me from accepting being loved unconditionally, the feelings that kept me from leaning on and growing my relationship with my grandparents.
Without sitting with the feelings that as a child I felt fatherly love was not for me. That I was tainted and not good enough.
Without sitting with the feelings that I don’t have the capacity to be the perfect mother in whatever outside standards I compare myself to.
Without sitting with the feelings that having a second marriage that doesn’t look like a success to others leads me to think I’m actually not lovable in such a sense.
Without sitting with all of those feelings, it doesn’t matter what work I do internally.
Those feelings I’m avoiding sitting with…They will run my life.
The constant theme of not being “enough”, of not carrying enough “worth” will continue to dictate what risks I take and how much I believe in myself.
So there they are. Some of them anyway.
My biggest fears.
I’m putting them on the table because I’m ready for them to lose their power.
I’m giving that power away.
I don’t need it anymore.
I’m going to see what’s on the other side of all this.